‘This I Believe’

By Julia Baker, a first-year collegiate studies major from Fresno, Calif.

On Tuesday, Nov. 25, first-year Julia Baker’s essay about learning to listen to others during her own recovery from an eating disorder aired.

» Audio of Julia Baker’s essay

I believe in listening.

I walked into the common room of The Center for Discovery, an eating disorder treatment clinic for teens in California. Glancing around the room I saw a dozen kids sprawled across leather couches. I was not impressed. I had left a community that I loved during the spring semester of my freshmen year in college, a small private Christian school in Indiana, to return home to the West and seek treatment for my anorexia. I immediately regretted my decision. I had just come from a college where my friends and I were involved in the peace club and where I was reading about feminist pedagogy for my Women’s Studies course. I quickly concluded the teens at the center were far below the intellectually rich world I had left.

One by one they introduced themselves. Raven’s arms were a maze of scars from many suicide attempts. Starving was her new approach. Miguel was a meth addict. He was always angry; cuss words littered his speech. Thad was a gay 14-year-old from Massachusetts whose past two years had been spent in and out of treatment centers for bulimia.

For the first week I shut myself out. Rarely talking, spending hours pressed into the folds of the couch, trying to push the pain away. I was cynical about everyone, including myself.

In high school my friends called me “the big ear.” I listened to friends’ boyfriend woes or complaints about a parent’s strict curfew. I love listening to people and take pride in my ability to ask thoughtful questions and show compassion through lending an ear. One day at the center I told this part of my story to Perla, my therapist. She asked if I had taken the time to listen and ask questions of the other teens at the center. I realized I had not. Being thrown in with people that led such different lives, my compassionate listening was gone and replaced by harsh judgments.

After that realization I listened. I heard people’s narratives. I understood the stories behind Raven’s scars; I heard about Miguel’s struggle with meth and his journey to become clean. I listened as Thad shared how hard it was to be gay in his conservative East Coast town. I also got to know them as people, not as stereotypes with scars and addictions. Jordan was an artist. Miguel was a sponsored skateboarder. Nick was an avid American Idol fan.

I believe in taking the time to listen to people’s stories. Before hearing the other teens’ narratives I had dehumanized them. Seeing the way I had treated them I realized this was the way I was treating myself. I was dehumanizing myself. My disorder consumed me with constant negative thoughts about my body and who I was. I slowly began to realize that I needed to listen just as compassionately to myself. I wouldn’t be the person I am today, I wouldn’t be the recovering anorexic I am today, if I hadn’t taken the time to listen.
Editors: For more information about this release, to arrange an interview or request a photo, contact Goshen College News Bureau Director Jodi H. Beyeler at (574) 535-7572 or jodihb@goshen.edu.

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Goshen College, established in 1894, is a residential Christian liberal arts college rooted in the Anabaptist-Mennonite tradition. The college’s Christ-centered core values – passionate learning, global citizenship, compassionate peacemaking and servant-leadership – prepare students as leaders for the church and world. Recognized for its unique Study-Service Term program, Goshen has earned citations of excellence in Barron’s Best Buys in Education, “Colleges of Distinction,” “Making a Difference College Guide” and U.S.News & World Report‘s “America’s Best Colleges” edition, which named Goshen a “least debt college.” Visit www.goshen.edu.